NPN-Cheech and Chong Bombed on Afghanistan!

A National Public Nuisance news release.


CHEECH AND CHONG BOMBED ON AFGHANISTAN


The State Department recently announced the addition of both Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong in the fight against Drug growers, processors and dealers in Afghanistan. As part of a massive airlift, the two experts will be dropped on the Hindu Kush region of Aghanistan. General Ulysses Heliotrope said. “ We were just going to send them with some troops, but they insisted on the airdrop.”


Cheech and Chong have spent the last three months assembling a crack crew of experts, hand picked from the rock and roll community and other sectors of society supported by drug use; such as acting, most artists and daycare workers. The two former comedians announced that the screening process would be difficult and stringent. “ We don’t want just any ole’ user. We need hardcore shooters, smokers and pushers. This ain’t just some old barrio. This is the Hindu kush, vato! The source!” The two men then descended into a dialogue of drug and Spanish slang that left all present confused and a little hungry.


Along with the 300 member Verde Squad, the US Defense Department will be dropping 1400 water pipes, 500 lbs of rolling papers, fifteen thousand tons of Doritos and Twinkies, and one roach clip. Newly elected president Karzai protested Tuesday. “Our drug community can handle our own problems. We have a long and consistent tradition of drug use. Our junkies are as good as any in the world.” Vince Neal, a member of the Verde Squad responded soon after, “ Dude, that f###### just don’t know what he’s talking about. I was in a Heavy Metal band in the eighties, man, the drug were just. . . .” he then descended into a dialogue with himself of drug and California slang that left all in the room confused and a little bit horny.


In addition to the airdrop, Cheech and Chong have made a promise to lower the amount of narcotics leaving Afghanistan at a tenth of the current anti-drugs budget. Budget director Chong said on Wednesday, “I don’t know what the big deal is man. It’s just a matter of supply and demand. And we are going to raise the hell out of the demand, man!”

Fiend of Dope Island
1961

The judges at the Schadenfruede Tower of Movie Judgement and Doom! Had a difficult time judging whether “Fiend of Dope Island” truly was worthy to be a Schadenfreude film. So, in the end, as this film made us worry, it makes the cut for making us suffer. But it also sucks rocks! Well, it sucks sand, and the sand will get everywhere.

Fiend of Dope Island is about this fiendish guy who lives on an Island that grows dope; marijuana dope, not Heroine dope or the dwarf. He is very fiendish. Sigh. He has a whip. Oh! He terrorizes the island of stereotypes, who all cower before his white godliness. Sigh. There’s a hot babe who arrives. Oh! She seduces the island of stereotypes into worshipping her because she’s so white. . I mean pretty. KKK sigh. Some say we shouldn’t chastize this film for simply carrying the beliefs of it’s time in it’s pocket. But good lord, someone should get the blame!

Or maybe not. When considered in context, Fiend is not as bad (as in poorly made) as most of the movies on our list. The picture is a vehicle for Tania Velia, the Yugoslav Bombshell ( as the credits tells us ), and she does her job pretty well, providing some quick shadowy boob flashes as well as dancing. And walking around in a swimsuit. And standing around in swimsuit. And laying down in a swim suit. Oh. Excuse us. Ahem. There’s also some good violence, and the overall quality of the camera, sound and even the script is fine. It’s just that it keeps going on after the explosion.

We don’t like to reveal plot if we don’t have to, it’s kind of like kicking a dead horse for most of these movies. But about 2/3 of the way through there’s a huge explosion accompanied by jungle drums, the universal symbol for “ this movie is almost over, for we have spent our budget on the huge conflagration you have just seen. Enjoy the flames!” And then. . .and then. . . the movie just keeps going. You can’t continue a movie after the big explosion! You can’t! When God made the first movie, he said “Let there be a big explosion, a little kissing, and then the credits.” It’s just wrong. Dead wrong. And Fiend shows us why.

After the explosions, the plot stalls as the characters all start to make ridiculous decisions seemingly just to continue the story, to prolong the agony of us sitting there. It was not until fifteen minutes after the explosion, did this film become a true Schadenfruede movie. Even a repeated quick shot of Miss Tania’s ‘talents’ do not salve the burning frustration of the long slow death rattle ending of this movie. Shark enthusiasts will enjoy the last couple of scenes, though it is a long slog to that blessed place.

A special treat is the inclusion of of Robert Bray, who played the Ranger in the classic TV series, “Lassie”. He is a manly hunk of flesh in this tropical picture, and I sure he enjoyed being able to do a little more than pet a pooch. And the bombshell Tania seemed appreciative of his handling skills! Go, dog! Go! Forgive the puns, Mr. Bray, ya did good!

Some fun stuff particular to this flick are:
The fast talking fiend. He’s got good crazy!
Shark stock footage
Tania and her lai!


Classsic bad movie elements contained in this Flick
Stereotyped natives
Stock footage of parrots
Little mention of title element, “dope”


THE DRINKING GAME FOR “Girl in Trouble”


DRINK WHEN:
Every crack of the whip.
When you see the back of the doctor.
Whenever Tania does something nice for or to the natives

CHUG A WHOLE BEER WHEN:
Tania starts a dance
You see ‘dope'


IF ONE HAS TO WRITE A COLLEGE ESSAY FOR FILM CLASS

The Fiend of Dope Island is an almost paradoxical satire of Stalinist politics as interpreted though Che Guevara’s writings of Political reality in South America. The fiend, Stalin, Lashes out continuously at the island inhabitants, demanding they do whatever he says. But the local politics will not bend to the will of the Fiend, for distance and nature herself, played by Tania Velia, will always rise against the tyrant. It is the Leninist dialectic itself which predicts the downfall of Stalinist era reallpolitik.



SCHADENFREUDE SCORE
Elements: 5 (out of 10 )
Titillation: 2 (out of 5)
Wrongness: 3 (out of 5)
Style & Funness: 3 ( out of five)
Extra points: 2 ( out of five)
TOTAL: 15 (out of 30 )

Grumpy Bob's Almanac: A Crappy Question

GRUMPY BOB'S ALMANAC

A crappy question.

An interesting etiquette question came up during a recent visit to a local coffee shop. In the men’s room there was a urinal and a sit down commode, without a separating wall between them, and the bathroom door was lockable. So, when using the urinal, do you lock the door?

It is conceivable that two men could stand and urinate together without being socially awkward. And it is a coffee shop, so it is polite to make as much room as possible. The bladder you save may be your own!

BUT! If you were defecating, would you want some guy taking a whiz right next to you as you do it? Um, no. That’s not Miss Manners. It’s just weird. You lock the door. So, after contemplation and referencing Miss Manners and the Cokely Stiffly Necking’s Guide to Deportment, I have ruled that in a bathroom with two conveyances unseparated by wall you may lock the door without shame or a black mark on your permanent record of decency and kindness.

And then I shot myself.

Why? Because I spent time that I could of used for pleasure or the killing of pain to think about proper method of the disposing of body wastes. I literally pissed my time away. You know, like watching reality TV.

Americans have set some records in the realm of hypocrisy, but they have totally raised the bar to new heights when it comes to sex and how we treat our sexual organs. Fortunately, this isn’t too new of a problem, as a good friend of mine, Montaigne, talked about a few centuries ago.

Each one avoideth to see a man born, but all run hastily to see him die. To destroy him we seek a spacious field and full light; but to construct him, we hide ourselves in a dark corner and work as close as we may.

Don’t worry if you don’t know him. He wrote books, not websites, and has never screwed Paris Hilton, so there’s no real reason why any American should know who he was. He’s got a hell of a point though, don’t he? There is a daily fight over how much we should talk about sex, but nobody fights about violence. That stuff is great! Give us more of it! Kids love it! Grandparents love it! The biggest office building in the world is dedicated to the successful and continuous management of it! While at the same time the leading lawyer in the nation is putting clothing on Greek statues.

A little more perspective: a neighbor might think twice about chastising another neighbor for striking their spouse or children, but you wouldn’t hesitate for a second to yell if that neighbor lowered his trousers and took a juicy crap on your lawn in full view of the entire street. Why? Because our feces is more important to us than our loved ones.

And I’m not kidding. Our way of life proves it.

Every major city in America is having problems funding their Child Protective Services, their Police force and all other welfare services, but those sewers are working great! Who gets paid more, plumbers or teachers? What is cared for more, our feces, or the impoverished sick? It is possible that a person can be so disgusting that they will be ignored, but even the smallest piece of crap will receive attention for someone, and eventually it will be put in it’s proper place.

In America, more money is spent on the proper disposal of feces than on the alleviation of suffering. We would much rather spend money on the maintenance of suffering, as long as it smells like roses. And even if every single American out there is okay with that, even if every single American thinks that’s a good thing, even if every American believes with all their heart that there crap doesn’t stink, it isn’t. And the dead laugh at what we cherish, and wait for the inevitable day when we will ourselves die and smell just like the feces we’ve avoided, foolishly, our entire lives.

Don’t forget to flush.

SO SAITH GRUMPY BOB, THE POTATO FARMER FROM HELL

SCHADENFRUEDE REVIEW

COOL IT BABY
1967
Directed by Lou Campa, sort of.
Written by Joespeh Marzano



Yes, in answer to your first question after seeing this movie, it did take only five days to shoot it. And yes, it only cost seven thousand dollars. Even in 1967, that’s cheap. But a whole lotta bad can be done in five days, especially with an experienced crew like this one.

These guys worked with the Novak crew, and on this one Joe Marzano was the driving force. Or rather the guy who had the talent to zip up the leftover pieces of film. Mr. Marzano has a huge resume of writing, editing, acting, cinematography and, of course, directing. Most of them are candidates for our Schadenfreude scale. We hope wherever Mr. Marzano is in the afterlife ( he died in 2000 ), his fetishes are being fully indulged.

COOL IT BABY is a couples only Schadenfruede film. That’s not a rule, just a recommendation. But strangers, unaware of each other’s feelings about extreme sexual content, will squirm during the viewing of half of this film. And though squirming is something of which we heartily approve, but we must acquiesce to that horrible illusion of propriety called by most people ‘good taste’. By the way, the other half of the film that won’t make you squirm will bore the digested hot dogs out of you.

Screw the plot. Here at the facts, 6 sets of boobs, two of which are quick flashed shots. The other boobs are of a general high quality. No girl ass, no vagina, no boy ass, no penis. There is a lot of groping scenes. That is one long session of grope with no advancement of nudity or passion. You know, how nobody does, ever, especially when they are already down to their underwear? There’s some nude modeling, some lesbian teasing, a little oral sex hinting and then THEY BEAT A WOMAN TO DEATH WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS!

It comes out of nowhere. You’re sitting there. Getting good and titillated by the lovely sixties lingerie and then wham! There’s a basement and a girl getting beaten with a table full of objects that look like they were just grabbed from any workman’s bench. EXCEPT FOR THE WELDING TORCH. AHH! Pure Schadenfreude glory! There’s a little blood on the arms, but that’s as gory as it gets. . . . except for the death, of course.

It kinda goes uphill from there. There’s a teen being drugged and used in a variety of ways, there’s a Satanic ritual, there’s a orgy, there’s clip on ties. It gets real ugly.

Most of the nasty stuff is narrated by a ‘witness’ with no attempt at dialogue. The narration is choppy, with lots of Mamet-ing pauses in it. The Schadenfruede veracity meter had trouble telling if it was Improvised or not, but there is a 75% likely-ness of some serious ‘faking it’. The rest of the movie are court scenes held in some schmucks office. They are more boring than your Uncle Billy telling stories of pouring molasses down at the Molasses factory. All the writing is pretty bad. There isn’t a single line which isn’t clumsy, over-worded, cliché or completely extraneous to anything that’s happening. Now, that takes real Schadenfruede talent!!

This is a good watch for the folks with one foot in the S and M door, a bad one for people with one foot in the Singing in the Rain door. But Novak always gives us something we’ve never seen, and that makes him and his Gang of Cinema Bandits a favorite in the Schadenfreude halls.


Some fun stuff particular to this flick are:
The outlandish writing.
The completely inappropriate movie scoring
The TORTURE



Classsic bad movie elements contained in this Flick
Bad or non-existent acting
All sexual behavior is rationalized by drugs
Lots of sitting around in generic offices


THE DRINKING GAME FOR “Girl in Trouble”


DRINK WHEN:
Lesbian flirting
Every time a breast appears ( look closely!)
Every time Monica hits a girl
You see the worst black hat in the world ( it happens early, you’ll know)

CHUG A WHOLE BEER WHEN:
You see the PLIERS!
A young blonde eat some candy
Boxer shorts!!!!


IF ONE HAS TO WRITE A COLLEGE ESSAY FOR FILM CLASS


Cool it Baby splits the world into two realms, that of the Judged and that of those who sit in Judgment. Marzano crafts a lurid and frigid tale, placing the stifling coldness of the legal questioning scenes with the actual scenes of sexual degradation into juxtaposition. They blend into a euphony of discordant angst that atrophies all the characters’ philosophies into gamy rationalizations. We are left to ask, why does the soap leave not marks? Because none of us are truly clean.



SCHADEN FREUDE SCORE
Elements: 8 (out of 10 )
Titillation: 3 (out of 5)
Wrongness: 4 (out of 5)
Style & Funness: 3 (out of five)
Extra points: 2 (out of five)
TOTAL: 20 (out of 30 )

THE EVILS OF STARBUCK’s
By the Grumpy Bob's Almanac

First of all, before we even begin, kiss my ass. That’s for just being an American and complaining about anything, you pampered whore. Now, on to your present complaint about the evils of Starbucks and its’ five dollar cup of coffee.

There is a stupidity among the American public that has its roots in the volcanic past of the Earth itself. This stupidity was born in the hot magma of our cooling orb, and spun into soil, and then man itself. Occasionally, this evils spawns living progeny such as Hitler or Pauly Shore. Now and then, little bits of it get sucked into the lungs of the malleable and bored, then become full fledged ideas. This, and this only, could be the result of the statement, “I don’t support Starbucks” or anything of it’s ilk.

Firstly, the product itself. You don’t want a five dollar cup of coffee? Fine. Don’t buy it. Go away. Leave it for the other seven quadrillion of us who do. Shut up and drink your Brita water. Go grow a plant or something equally fascist.

Secondly, the caffeine. Caffeine is not bad for you. The reasons we need caffeine are bad for us. The city, the traffic, the loss of leadership, the death of integrity, and the corporate lifestyle that pays for it all. Me having several espresso shots in a day ain’t gonna kill me. But your crappy driving could all of our brains into a fine pink mist! And for those who do use too much caffiene, thank for for contributing to the economy. And that leads us to number . . .

Thirdly, the big scary corporation. This is something Americans do a lot. When a company gets too big, they freak out and start to hate it. Now at the beginning, when the company was young and cute, everybody loved the little start-up. But now that it has actually succeeded in every way we hoped it would, now after it has done what we told it to do, we hate it. We despise it. We think it’s hurting the Earth. We hold them responsible for the evils we instilled in them in the first place. And then we sue them.

If you hate the kind of company that Starbuck’s is, then you hate all companies, you hate the Corporate state and you also hate capitalism. We makes you a decent person. Almost. For capitalism is inherently evil, as it requires a large underclass to make excess capital possible. If you don’t get that then read a book. Not a website built by some undergrad with a grudge, abut an actual book that is accountable for it’s information. If you cannot admit that your are a Socialist for whatever Santa Claus rationalization Mommy and Daddy beat into you, then go buy some cheap crap at the Walmart. You’ll feel better. And remember, you are what you buy.


Every company is a mirror of the Nation in which it lies. It is an extension of the people, it is a part of them. Hell, in the USA corporations even have the right to free speech, just like you or me! And thank goodness, too! All those poor oppressed corporations will finally be able to fight those who seek to take away their freedoms. If you really don’t like Starbucks, the company who has responded quickly and consistently to public protests, then it’s the system, brother, not the company. Otherwise, you’re just a hypocrite. And that’s okay too. It’s a good time for your kind. Enjoy the coffee.

SO SAITH GRUMPY BOB, THE POTATO FARMER FROM HELL.

SCHADENFREUDE REVIEW-GIRL IN TROUBLE

GIRL IN TROUBLE
1963
Directed, written and produced by
Lee Beale aka Brandon Chase aka who the hell knows



This is an exploitation movie. In a nutshell, an exploitation movie is made for reasons other than art or amusement. These films were not made to appeal to the finer senses, or to gaily pass an hour or two in the lavishly partitioned movie palace of your choice. There were made to harden your softest bits, to moisten the tongue, to make the heart beat faster! These movies made you look over your shoulder in the smoky movie shack and wonder I anyone you know will see you in here. Now, they’re just silly.

After midget porn and Paris Hilton’s career, ya gotta go pretty far to shock us, and Girl In Trouble don’t do that. But to judge these films properly, you must begin at the center and build to the outside. And at the heart of any exploitation is sex, contained in the beautiful Tammy Clark. We don’t see a lot, but we see nearly all. Though hers are the only boobs we see in the picture, and they make us wait half an hour until we see them, she models in lingerie, a lot of lingerie, which makes up for a lot. And the Schadenfruede ladies squealed in Angst driven delight at a number of classic vintage underwear get-ups, all provided by Mr. Panties of New Orleans. Which received a credit separate from the wardrobe credit, and that should tell you a lot about this movie.

Now, you can’t just make a movie about Tammy Clark putting on and taking off bras and panties, not in 1963 you can’t. So you have to find layers of respectability and strata of rationalizations to convince the powers that were that the movie has something to offer society other than shade from sun provided by Tammy’s boobs. So, here are the layers put on top of the only legitimate reason for this movie

LAYER 1 The very first shots of the film are of the lead characters’ tragic end. This is very artistic and European, and therefore allows 2:30 minutes of boobs in the 1963 unwritten movie standards of the time
LAYER 2 The narrator tells us of her suffering while pointless montages of her and some dude roll on before us.. This is boring and also is very European. But it is angsty and guilt ridden, so it allows :30 sec of boobs, but just boobs. Angst cannot rationalize panties shots.
LAYER 3 The film takes place in New Orleans. Any movie in New Orleans must have nudity in it, as NOLA is the third most nude city in the world. This allows 3:00 of nudity.
LAYER 4 The lead character, Judy Collins, tries to do the right thing. If a lead character tries to resist the evil temptations of men, then it is okay for her to eventually get extremely naked and become a stripper. Remember, this is Christian America we’re talking about here. Sexual pleasure must always be accompanied by guilt, violence or regret.

Girl in Trouble is a classic girl-with-a-suitcase-heading-for-the-big-city movie, and though the prurient amongst us would like more sex, and the literate among us would have liked a plot that we hadn’t seen a million times, but with a lot of lingerie and some odd filmic choices this one does make good Schadenfreude viewing.

Some fun stuff particular to this flick are:
The scenes of New Orleans streets
The advice from Mona on how to get over being raped
The Police Squad! opening
The almost Jungian adherence to the Exploitation Formula
Judy’s hair.

Classic bad movie elements contained in this Flick
The plot.
Bad dubbing.
Movie padding scenes of pointless activity
Many shots last about five seconds longer than they need to.

THE DRINKING GAME FOR “Girl in Trouble”

DRINK WHEN:
Anyone lights a cigarette
Judy wanders the streets of New Orleans.
A bare boob is seen!

CHUG A WHOLE BEER WHEN:
Judy leaves town with a suitcase
Judy strips!
Judy’s boyfriend meets her backstage

IF ONE HAS TO WRITE A COLLEGE ESSAY FOR FILM CLASS
Girl in Trouble is a mythic retelling of a mythic form. On it’s surface we only see the young girl trying to achieve happiness. But revelatory instances appear with a deeper look. The lead leaves town without even a bus ticket. She is ignorant of sexual mores in her time, and does not know how to clean blood from her bra. In reality, Girl in Trouble is actually the story of gender politics in the 1960’s; a cinematic version of the feminist politics of the last forty years. Freedom can kill, but dependence can destroy as well. And as the opening shot indicates, without geo-political balance, your sexuality will be simply put on a stretcher and shoved into an ambulance to be delivered to the morgue of society’s complacency.

SCHADENFREUDE SCORE
Elements: 7 ( out of 10 )
Titillation: 3 ( out of 5)
Wrongness: 2 (out of 5)
Style & Funness: 3 (out of five)
Extra points:2 ( out of five)
TOTAL: 17 ( out of 30 )

GRUMPY BOB SLAPS FACEBOOK ON ALL FOUR CHEEKS

GRUMPY BOB SLAPS FACEBOOK ON ALL FOUR CHEEKS


Grumpy Bob is not quite eternal, though he has lived a long God-damned and God-blessed time. He is too annoying for heaven and too right for hell. Despite this, he does have friends, or at least people who he tolerates when they aren’t being complete and total P.O.P.’s( Part Of the Problem ).


Let’s have a talk, citizens of Jerkoffia. Yes, that’s a masturbation reference, remember it. Facebook is not your friend, and neither are those people you unchat with. Note that ‘unchat’ too, and keep it on your brainfile. I’m-a gonna un- the feces out you.

I have 42 friends, yes I have friends, who have tried to quit Facebook, and failed. Not that they didn’t try, they weren’t allowed to. They used the deactivation choice on the preferences. And they used it multiple times. Each time, within twelve hours they would receive an email saying they had been automatically reactivated. Joy! Over, and over again they tried to quit. Over and over again they failed by automatic reactivation. Some used different deactivation techniques. They also failed. One moved to Japan and joined a Shinto cult on the Ainu inhabited island off the northern shores were the ice never melts and the snow monkeys dance with abandon. Facebook found him and asked him what character from Twighlight he thought he was.

Are you people serious with this Facebook crap? Have you not seen what it has made you become? A gaggle of attention grasping infants flinging catchphrases and statements of the obvious out into the ether, begging for the false-tit suckle comfort of the Silicon Facsimiles we all represent to the world. People, that’s not really ‘you’ on that screen. Those other typing people, aren’t really them. You are not the sum total of your status updates. Having your names on pictures doesn’t make your past more meaningful. And those 375 people on your friends list, aren’t. They don’t give a god damn shit about you. You know how many friends you have that do give a shit about you? The exact same as just before you joined Facebook. Even if you made a new friend through Zombiebook, you probably lost a realtime friend with all that time you spent on Word Scramble or sending someone a digital plant. Have you watered yours lately? Are you even capable of watering a fern in the real world? Is that why you are so anchored to this mental security blanket, Linus-ians?

Beyond the Freudian pitfall of putting your emotional needs online for someone else’s profit, the un-ease of deactivating one’s Internet account of any shape or form is poor consumer practice. To make it very un-easy is crappy behavior or normal if it’s porn. To make it almost impossible, is nigh evil. To make it totally impossible, is ass -sucking -slavery- supporting- Divine- right -of- Kings- KKK -loving -Hitler -tongue -kissing-evil. In short, I do not approve.

Facebook makes it’s money off of advertising. It does so by laying claim to a large number of subscribers. 350 million is the claim, which has been proven false by at least 42. Also, the Facebook Tomb is growing every day. That’s the people with Facebook accounts who have died, but still have a page where their friends can still say hi. Even the barbarians may now laugh at us. How many Facebook users almost never use their account? How many got it on a lark, and NEVER use it? How many account’s are corporate shills? It may have 350 million members and growing, but there sure aren’t 350 million living pairs of eyes looking at ads, or at your message about how “Broccoli is gross.”

My friends are awaiting their ‘scheduled deactivation’ now. Can you believe that? The bastards are making them waiting a month before they will allow a full deactivation! So you can think about, and consider if it’s something you really want to do. Mull it over. Have a coffee. Maybe talk to your priest about it. He’s on Facebook too. That pandering to the emotions succinctly contained in the waiting policy is what Facebook is all about. Emotional bonds. Feelings. Shared feelings. Sometimes the illusion is so great that you forget your Grandma also has a Facebook account when you post your status as ‘ Just got laid!’

There are some who argue fiercely against me on this. They believe that cyber reality is as powerful and real as the real reality, just as fulfilling, just as expressive. I could counter with facts, and they would counter with blather about their feelings and so on until God herself shuts us both up with lighting and wildebeasts. This impossibility is due the subject being completely mired in aesthetics and emotional suffering; two of logic’s most intractable enemies. And ultimately they cannot be argued with, for only death will teach them the error of their ways. In the last moment of life, you will want to trade all the hours online, for one kiss, one hug, one days running around in a field. I’ve been alive for a couple thousand years now, so I know about these things. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Go ahead, be cool. That always works out so well.



SO SAITH GRUMPY BOB, THE POTATO FARMER FROM HELL!